ARBOR DAY

By Jonathan Harris

(A middle-aged woman enters dressed in a ridiculous red, white and blue shift. Over this she sports an apron with "KISS THE COOK" inscribed on it in big bold letters. She could be described as indomitably cheery. In fact, she has been. She is currently laboring over a full dining table with a candlelit centerpiece. She is making final adjustments in preparation for a familial celebration. Her manner is polite and acquiescent. To make comfortable is her goal and she strives in all she does to attain that end. She accidentally burns her finger on something hot.)

Oh, pee-pee!

(She quickly glances around and, satisfied that she has not been heard, giggles)

Now there's a voice from the past! Land's end! How many years has that been silent?

(She looks around quickly)

Pee-pee!

(She giggles again)

Well, Treva would wet herself I know if she ever heard me say that! And that would be a sight not worth seeing so I guess I'll just keep it to myself. Now, let's see...

(She looks to table)

One, two, three, four, five...and...six? Six? Who...? Let's see...Daddy, Treva, Sister, Brother, Uncle and...goodness!...me! Me!

(She giggles)

Now, that was silly. Silly me.

(She smoothes her apron and searches its pockets for a tissue. She cannot find it.)

Oh, this apron is just not what works for me right now, I'd swear to it! But, it was a gift from Daddy so...He's really doing so much better, I think. No matter what Treva says. I just know it'll be no time at all now. No time at all.

(She crosses to window)

I wonder where...

(Back to table)

Those baskets are just gonna have to wait, I guess. I'll get to them while they're having the pie, I think. Yes, that's good. There's always time if you make it is what I say.

Rhubarb-cherry pie! Brother always loved his rhubarb-cherry pie! If they can work it so he's here. Oh, I hope he can make it, it's just been too long. And I just know they don't feed him right. Last time I saw him his eyes were all back in his head like two cuckoos in a clock, I'd swear by it. Just waiting for the right time to pop on out. Just waiting...

(She waits)

Well, Carl said he'd try to arrange it and with all the watermelon and falderall and all one could say that Carl owes me one so...I'm sure he'll work it if he can. And I'm sure he can. I'm just sure.

Now, Daddy. That's another matter altogether. I'll set a place and all but I stand warned at least. He works himself far too hard if you ask me for the last 25 years but this house...why, all of us...here...what would we do? Such a good provider that one. Such a good, good man. What man doesn't slip that way? Why, booger! What man could stand firm against the temptations she offered, I ask you? I bet not even Don Ameche.

(She glances at window)

Did I say booger?

(She giggles)

Well, this is turning out to be some kinda day, I guess. I think it's probably good that Daddy got caught with her like that, though. Well, maybe not like that, but I think it's probably good that Daddy got caught with her. Shame about getting shot, though. Pity.

(She smiles ever-so-slightly and straightens her apron.)

He'll probably be late.

And sister! Well, I hear that she's doing so good out in Los Angeles that she's making all sorts of money with her dancing! I forget where she's doing it exactly but some snazzy-razmatazzy place or other. Why she told Brother before they took him off like that that she was making sometimes a thousand dollars a night! All for dancing and isn't that nice? I don't know how much that is, really, I suppose, but I know it's a heck of a lot. But, you know Treva. Gotta nib her nose into everything. I couldn't believe some of the things she tried to imply. Infer?

(Shrugs her shoulders and looks to watch)

Stars! Look at the time! They'll be arriving anytime now soon, I'd imagine.

(Goes to window)

Anytime soon I just know. Kinda surprised they're not...

(Goes to stove)

Here, chick, chick, chick!

(Opens door and sniffs)

Home-style chicken pot-pie with assorted vegetables and fresh herbs. Uncle should be able to keep this down, I think. Now he needs some fattening up for sure. Just keeps getting thinner and coughing. His..."friend"...says he won't be getting any better but his "friend" has never had my home-style chicken pot-pie with assorted vegetables and fresh herbs. Not in this lifetime and probably no other either. What Uncle sees in that man is a mystery for the ages. Oh, I'm sure he has a good heart but I just...can't believe. And Treva!

They do say he's awfully sick with some awful thing but it's not as if...

(Crosses to window)

Where on earth?

(Looks to table)

Let's see. Brother here. Across from Sister. Uncle next to Sister across from Lord-help-us Treva. Daddy at the head, of course, and me here. Boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, boy? Oh, no. Uncle next to me and Sister there. There that's even. That's better.

(She sits for the first time and pats at the table cloth)

I'd better save these candles.

(She blows out centerpiece)

There.

(A cuckoo clock chirps twice)

Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Yes, I know that all should have been here by now. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Stop telling me what I already know now. Besides...

(She looks at her table)

It'll keep.

(We hear a loud ticking from the clock)

Maybe I should finish up those baskets.

(She doesn't move as the lights fade.)