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THIS MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED
EGG NOG A Christmas revue By Jonathan Harris (Opening medley: from the back of the house come three heavily cloaked monks. They are carrying candles. They slowly approach the playing area singing. At a musical cue they start slapping up garish Christmas decorations about the playing area. One monk exits, another takes their place at the piano, and the third throws off robe to reveal our protagonist: Sally Census. The lights change and we find Sally seated. She's in her thirties, grumpy, professional. She is on the phone.) SALLY Generic Advertising..you make it, we sell it. Merry Christmas. What? What do you mean you can't find the videotape!? Look, bub, you find that tape and you deliver it yesterday or you're out of a job, you got that? We're still a small operation here! We can't afford mistakes like this one! That's our biggest account to date. Now, HOLD ON! (She slaps subservient on hold) Generic advertising. If we can't sell it it can't be sold. Merry Christmas. (Her tone sweetens) Oh, hello, Mr Humbug...nice to speak with you...how's that? Why, no, I don't understand. That tape should have been on your desk hours ago. Would you mind holding on one teensy-weensy moment? Why, thank you... (She goes to other line) You still there? OK! I've got Humbug on the other line. I'll stall him while you get your act together. Now, if you don't find that very expensive and very saleable commercial tape of Santa's Reindeer preferring to drive a Humbug Buick you can kiss your well-paying job right out the snow-covered window, am I being clear enough here?! (She hangs up. Music up. She sings) CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE BY GOLLY DISAPPROVAL WOULD BE FOLLY DECK THE HALLS WITH HUNKS OF HOLLY FILL THE CUP AND DON'T SAY WHEN KILL THE TURKEYS, DUCKS AND CHICKENS FIX THE PUNCH, DRAG OUT THE DICKENS EVEN THOUGH THE PROSPECT SICKENS BROTHER HERE WE GO AGAIN ON CHRISTMAS DAY YOU CAN'T GET SORE YOUR FELLOW MAN YOU MUST ADORE THERE'S TIME TO ROB HIM ALL THE MORE THE OTHER THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FOUR (She goes back to Humbug's line) Mr. Humbug? Damn! Lost him! (She quickly dials as she sings) RELATIONS SPARING NO EXPENSE'LL SEND SOME USELESS OLD UTENSIL OR A MATCHING PEN AND PENCIL JUST THE THING I NEED..HOW NICE.. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SINCERE IT IS NOR HOW HEARTFELT THE SPIRIT SENTIMENT WILL NOT ENDEAR IT WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THE PRICE (Her tone sweetens) Mr. Humbug? Soooo sorry I lost you. But now I've found you and isn't that nice? Now, for your print ad...how's this: HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING..ADVERTISING WONDROUS THINGS? No? Well, how about... GOD REST YE MERRY MERCHANTS MAY YOU MAKE THE YULETIDE PAY... You're right, you're right! One more... ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH, TELL US TO GO OUT AND BUY... Great! I'll fax it right over! (She hangs up) SO LET THE RAUCOUS SLEIGHBELLS JINGLE HAIL OUR DEAR OLD FRIEND KRIS KRINGLE RIDING HIS REINDEER ACROSS THE SKY DON'T STAND UNDERNEATH WHEN THEY FLY BY! (Before applause, an elf appears.) ELF Knock! Knock! (Sally looks up, confused. Goes back to work) ELF Knock! Knock! (Again) ELF Ding-dong! SALLY Who's there? ELF Hello. Hello. Merry Christmas. (Elf hands Sally a gift.) SALLY Who the hell are you? ELF I'm an elf. SALLY What the hell is this? ELF It's a gift. SALLY Did the talent agency send you over here? You're supposed to be on the set for the shoot! They just started filming! (She picks up phone and dials) DAMN! If you want a job done right...etcetera...ad nauseum. (Elf whispers in accompanist's ear. Music up) ELF (singing) HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE.... SALLY Save it! ELF VIXEN AND BLITZEN AND ALL HIS REINDEER ARE PULLING ON THE REIN SALLY Hi, Lola? ELF BELLS ARE RINGING, CHILDREN SINGING ALL IS MERRY AND BRIGHT SALLY Got a problem... ELF SO HANG YOUR STOCKINGS AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS 'COS SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT! SALLY YOUR ELF! ELF HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUS LANE SALLY WHAT?! ELF (Thinking Sally was talking to him/her) HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS RIGHT DOWN SANTA CLAUSE LANE! SALLY Tomorrow? ELF PEACE ON EARTH WILL COME TO ALL IF WE JUST FOLLOW THE LIGHT! SALLY Yeah, thanks. (She hangs up phone) ELF SO LET'S GIVE THANKS TO ANGELS ABOVE 'COS SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT! SALLY Hey! ELF SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT! SALLY Hey, you! ELF (Big finish) SANTA CLAUS COMES TONIGHT! SALLY YO! ELF! First of all, the shoot is not today, it's tomorrow. Secondly, you are to report to the set, not the advertising agency and lastly, but certainly not leastly, though you sing that dippy number particularly well, it is the wrong tempo, the wrong feeling, and the wrong song for the spot! (She sits Elf down) Now, though I do not remember you from the auditions, you look enough like an Elf to pass. ELF Thank you. SALLY A little tall. ELF I know...I... SALLY What's yer name? ELF Name? SALLY Your name! Your name! ELF Oh! Jingle. SALLY Jingle? Jingle. Has a nice ring to it. Ok. Jingle. The product is Eggnog. Got it? Eggnog. We gotta push this stuff and try to out sell beer and wine for the holiday season. Now. The song. Didn't you get your copy? You were supposed to pick it up at your agent's office. Who's your agent? (Jingle starts to answer) Doesn't matter! They probably got it wrong anyway. (Sally pulls out sheet music) Here's mine. Now. Sing with me...anduh one...anduh two...anduh...C! JINGLE IS FOR THE CANDY TRIMMED AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE.. SALLY H...! JINGLE IS FOR THE HAPPINESS WITH ALL THE FAMILY SALLY R..! JINGLE IS FOR THE REINDEER PRANCING BY THE WINDOWPANE SALLY I..! JINGLE IS FOR THE ICING ON THE CAKE AS SWEET AS SUGARCANE SALLY Good...S...! JINGLE IS FOR THE STOCKINGS HANGING ON THE CHIMNEY WALL SALLY T...! JINGLE IS FOR THE TOYS BENEATH THE TREE SO TALL SALLY M...! JINGLE IS FOR THE MISTLETOE WHERE EVERYONE GETS KISSED SALLY A...! JINGLE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED THAT'S ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST SALLY S...! JINGLE IS FOR YOUR SAFEWAY STORE WHERE YOU CAN SURELY GET WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED TO BUY YOUR CHRISTMAS ALPHABET! SALLY You got it! Now, sing along with me! COME ON AND DRINK OUR CHERRY-FLAVORED EGGNOG! LET EVERYONE BE HAPPY AND GAY OH, IT'S THE TIME TO BE JOLLY AND DECK THE HALLS WITH HOLLY SO LET'S HAVE A JOLLY HOLIDAY! Happy holidays! COME ON AND DRINK OUR CHERRY-FLAVORED EGG NOG ANOTHER JOYOUS SEASON HAS BEGUN ROLL OUT THE YULETIDE BARRELS AND SING OUT THE CAROLS A MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Now..Elf..read your copy! JINGLE (Hurriedly) Available now through New Year's day, Safeway's own Cherry-flavored Eggnog. Make the yuletide season particularly bright this year by inviting over all your friends and roasting chestnuts around the open fire while you knock back a few of these babies. Now, Christmas is a time of giving, so give plenty of Safeway's own Cherry-flavored Eggnog for this Christmas....This is awful I can't do this! SALLY Sing! NOW EVERY HEART WILL START TO TINGLE WHEN SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE ON SANTA'S SLEIGH TOGETHER WE WILL GREET KRIS KRINGLE AND ANOTHER CHRISTMAS DAY COME ON AND DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, DRINK OUR CHERRY-FLAVORED EGGNOG WITH EVERYBODY JOINING IN THE FUN ROLL OUT THE BARRELS THAT CHEER YOU AND SHOUT TILL THEY HEAR YOU AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE TWENTY-ONE....MERRY CHRISTMAS! From your local Safeway store. JINGLE I can't do this. SALLY What? JINGLE I can't do a commercial. SALLY Oh, classically trained, huh? Doesn't matter. JINGLE I'm not an actor. SALLY Doesn't matter. JINGLE No. Really. I'm not. SALLY Who cares? JINGLE I'm non-union. SALLY No difference. You're a natural. JINGLE More so than you think. SALLY What do you mean? JINGLE I'm an elf. SALLY Established. JINGLE No. An elf. A real elf. You know, Santa? Reindeer? The whole bit. SALLY Yeah, yeah, right. Jesus. Method actors. JINGLE No. Listen to me. Please. ON CHRISTMAS DAY THE WORLD ABOUNDS WITH LOVE AND HOPE AND JOY BEAR WITNESS TO THE JOYOUS SOUNDS OF EVERY GIRL AND BOY THE SPARKLING HOPE, THE BRILLIANT SPIRIT SHINING FROM OURSELVES IS WHAT IT MEANS TO KNOW THE DREAMS OF SANTA AND HIS ELVES. SALLY Very nice. It rhymes. So what? JINGLE That's the elfin credo. SALLY Lovely. Did you write it? JINGLE Uh...no. SALLY Pity. We need a copy writer. Anyway...elf. Tomorrow is the shoot date. Be there. JINGLE I can't. SALLY Look. I'm not gonna argue with an actor. JINGLE I'm not an actor. SALLY All right then, model. JINGLE ELF! ELF! I'm an elf! And I'm proud to be an elf. An elf is a good thing to be. I'm good with my hands. I'm a snappy dresser and, all in all, the pay's not too bad. I like my life! I like myself! I will not allow you to invalidate my feelings. I am an adult child of a workaholic elf. I'm working through my problems. I have found my identity now and it's very important to me. SALLY JINGLE You don't understand. SALLY No. Really. Sorry. Settle down. JINGLE Oh! I need air! I'm nervous now! I can't breathe! SALLY Settle down, now. Breathe deeply. JINGLE I feel nervous...oh....no...no.. SALLY What! What can I do to help? It's an anxiety attack, that's all! You'll be ok. What can I do? JINGLE Sing. SALLY What? JINGLE Sing. SALLY Sing what? JINGLE Anything! It doesn't matter! Elves can only be calmed down by hearing musical strains... SALLY Uh... JINGLE Sing. Please, sing! Please! SALLY Ok. "BLACKBIRD SINGIN' IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT..." JINGLE No! No! No Beatles! SALLY Uh...'MY FATHER SITS AT NIGHT WITH NO LIGHTS ON..." JINGLE No..that was the last show. SALLY Did see it? JINGLE No... SALLY
Loved it! It was all about the choices we make in our lives and... JINGLE Sing! SALLY Any requests? JINGLE A Christmas song, please. SALLY I was afraid of that. Let's see... THE FIRST DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE AND I HAD A FIGHT AND SO I CHOPPED THE PEAR TREE DOWN AND BURNED IT JUST FOR SPITE! THEN WITH A SINGLE CARTRIDGE I SHOT THAT BLASTED PARTRIDGE MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME. THE SECOND DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS I PULLED ON MY RED RUBBER GLOVES AND VERY GENTLY WRUNG THE NECKS OF BOTH THE TURTLE DOVES MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME THE THIRD DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS I FEAR I CAUGHT THE CROUP I HAD TO USE THE THREE FRENCH HENS TO MAKE SOME CHICKEN SOUP THE 4 CALLING BIRDS WERE A BIG MISTAKE, THEIR LANGUAGE WAS OBSCENE THE 5 GOLD RINGS WERE COMPLETELY FAKE, THEY TURNED MY FINGERS GREEN THE SIXTH DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS THE SIX LAYING GEESE WOULDN'T LAY I GAVE THE WHOLE DAMN GAGGLE TO THE A.S.P.C.A. ON THE SEVENTH DAY WHAT A MESS I FOUND ALL SEVEN OF THE SWIMMING SWANS HAD DROWNED MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME THE EIGHTH DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS BEFORE THEY COULD SUSPECT I BUNDLED UP THE EIGHT MAIDS A MILKING, NINE PIPERS PIPING, TEN LADIES DANCING, ELEVEN LORDS A LEAPING TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING... Well,...actually I kept one of the drummers... AND SENT THEM BACK COLLECT I WROTE MY TRUE LOVE: 'WE ARE THROUGH, LOVE' AND SAID IN SO MANY WORDS 'FURTHERMORE YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS WERE FOR THE BIRDS... JINGLE Not the best relationship, huh? SALLY You could say that. JINGLE How's the drummer? SALLY Turns out he was lovers with one of the lords leaping. JINGLE Is that why they leap around so much? So. Is that the best you can do? SALLY What do you want? You say sing. I sang. JINGLE But, Christmas... SALLY I sang Christmas six times in that song! That song was about Christmas! JINGLE That song was about depressing. SALLY Look. Elf. I don't need to take this. I am a career woman. Independent. I have my own business that is doing quite well, thank you. I have scraped and saved for the last twelve years to get where I am today and, excuse me, but I do not need any judgements from some bit player who looks like they got lost from a bus and truck tour of Finian's Rainbow! JINGLE I'm not a leprechaun, I'm an elf. SALLY Whatever you are you are getting on my nerves. Now. Thanks for the gift and all that, but if you don't get outa here and fast I'm gonna call a cop! (She picks up phone. Jingle throws glitter dust toward her. Accompanist plays Christmas music.) Hello?....Hello?....It's nothing but Christmas muzak. (She hangs up. Music out) JINGLE I have temporarily interrupted electronic communication for one entire city block. SALLY Why? JINGLE Because I can. Now, to the business at hand...NAME: Sally Census. AGE: 32...really? (Sally glares at Jingle.) JOB: Marketing Executive. STATUS: Single... SALLY And proud of it! JINGLE BACKGROUND: City child. Disillusioned at an early age when she discovered her drunk Uncle Jake stumbling into a Santa Claus costume in preparation for her Christmas surprise. SALLY Surprise. JINGLE That was at the age of five. The ability to dream and imagine was snubbed out by that unfortunate bottle of vodka dn she has been unable to recapture the magic of Christmas ever since. SALLY How'd you know about my Uncle Jake? JINGLE I'm an elf. SALLY A psychic elf. JINGLE OBJECTIVE: To reprogram Sally's thought precesses by any means available... (indicates self) ...SITUATION: crucial. (Jingle looks at her) Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. SALLY Is that pity I see? Do I see pity in your skooshy little face? JINGLE Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. SALLY It is pity! How dare you...you...you green thing with bells! HA! Pity me? I own a BMW! JINGLE (impressed) Oh... SALLY Silver! JINGLE Oh, my... SALLY And it's paid for! JINGLE Oh, my. My...doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's just a tangible, materialistic manifestation of energies focused on a lower plane. SALLY I also have a time-share. JINGLE No. SALLY Yessss.... JINGLE (weakly) Where? SALLY Maui. JINGLE Owie... (Sally laughs maniacally) JINGLE Sally... SALLY Sal... JINGLE Sal...I... SALLY (in for the kill) GOLD CARD! JINGLE Waaaaaah! SALLY So don't feel sorry for me you figment of my warped imagination, or I'll really give you someone to pity. JINGLE It wasn't pity, Sal. It was sorrow. You see, Sal, elves know instinctively when humans are hurting. They not only know it. They feel it. And, believe me, we're hurting a lot lately. SALLY And just how does all of the apply to me? Huh? Look at me, Jingle. What do you see? (No response) Happy! Happy, happy, happy! (She smiles horribly. Music up for 'BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE'. At end of number, Jingle is still there.) SALLY What do I have to do to get you out of here? JINGLE Now for a little word association. SALLY Goody. JINGLE Holly... SALLY Wood. JINGLE Merry... SALLY Poppins. JINGLE Christmas... (No response) Christmas... SALLY I'm thinking. JINGLE The first thing that pops into your head....Christmas... (Music up) SALLY YOU ASK ME NOW WHAT DOES IT MEAN THAT GREEN GARLANDS ALL HANG IN THE WAY-O IT IS THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SCENE THAT WE CELEBRATE EVER SO GAY-O FOR NOW IS THE JOLLY TIME OF THE HOLLY AND FOR THE SEASON WHEN MEN OF REASON PUT UP PINK PLASTIC TREES, PLACE FANTASTIC WREATHS ON THEIR DOOR TO SHOW THEIR GOOD WILL. THEY BUY THEIR WIVES MINK TO MAKE NEIGHBORS THINK THEY'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH, THO THEY CAN'T PAY THEIR BILLS... YOU ASK ME NOW HOW CAME THE NAME OF THE SEASON WE CELEBRATE GAY-O I DON'T QUITE KNOW FROM WHEN IT CAME BUT WHY SHOULD THAT MATTER TODAY-O FOR NOW IS THE JOLLY TIME OF THE HOLLY AND FOR THE SEASON WHEN MEN OF REASON IN STORES CROSS THE NATION DO CELEBRATIONS BY SPECIAL SALES OF CHEAP MERCHANDISE THEIR COUNTERS PILED HIGH WITH STUFF YOU COULD BUY THE PREVIOUS MONTH AT JUST ONE HALF THE PRICE YOU ASK ME NOW WHAT MEANS THIS STALL WITH A BABY ASLEEP IN THE HAY-O IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL AS WE CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS TODAY-O FOR NOW IS THE JOLLY TIME OF THE HOLLY AND FOR THE SEASON WHEN MEN OF REASON LIFT UP THEIR DRINK-O GETTING ALL STINK-O AT OFFICE PARTIES HAVING A BALL THE ONE DAY A YEAR WE HIDE ALL OUR FEAR AND HATE AS WE SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL". (At end of number, Jingle pulls out walkie-talkie) JINGLE Breaker 25....breaker 25....this is yuletide one. Come back....Anybody out there? Breaker 25....Yuletide one looking for Big Nick, come back...How's it breaking, good buddy?...Small problem-o here-o, good buddy, come back...Yeah, I thought so. How're the other ones holding up? Come on....That' tough to hear, old man...tough to hear...Any instructions, come back?....That's affirmative, Big Red. We'll do our best. give my best to the little breakers and we'll catch you on the flip-side, you copy? Over and out! SALLY What the hell? JINGLE That was Santa. SALLY Get real. JINGLE Honest. He's watching us right now. SALLY You're a crazy person. (Music up) JINGLE OH, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! YOU BETTER NOT CRY! YOU BETTER NOT POUT. I'M TELLING YOU WHY SANTA CLAUS HAS VIDEOTAPE! HE'S MAKING A LIST. CHECKING IT TWICE. GONNA FIND OUT WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE SANTA CLAUS HAS VIDEOTAPE HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD AND HE'S GOT IT ALL ON TAPE SO, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. YOU BETTER NOT CRY. YOU BETTER NOT POUT. I'M TELLING YOU WHY. HE'S COLLECTING DATA ON VHS AND BETA SANTA CLAUS HAS VIDEOTAPE!...Smile! SALLY This is getting kind of creepy. JINGLE Desperate times call for desperate measures. SALLY What desperate times? We're a long way from Dickens here. JINGLE Not so far as you might think. SALLY So, I'm Scrooge to your Crachit? JINGLE Sal, the situation is this. The elves are dying. Elves live on love. Simple as that, Sal. We have nothing to eat. SALLY "Better to let them die and decrease the surplus population." (Sally covers her mouth) I've heard that before. JINGLE A Christmas Carol. Act I, Scene I. Mr. Charles Dickens. SALLY Did I say that? JINGLE Yes. Did you mean it? SALLY I don't know...I don't think so. JINGLE I hope not. SALLY I had no idea. JINGLE We never do. SALLY I always clapped for Tinkerbell... JINGLE Good. SALLY I haven't lost a tooth for years but I always left one for the tooth fairy... JINGLE Too late. She went broke. Had to liquidate. SALLY I had no idea. JINGLE We never do. SALLY So. What the hell am I supposed to do? Be suddenly, magically transformed into some manufactured Judeo/Christian/Hollywood image of the spirit of Christmas? JINGLE That would be nice. SALLY It'll never play. JINGLE You'd be surprised what you can get away with. SALLY Ok. You tell me. Christmas. What's the big deal? A day. It comes. It goes. Just like any other day. For one day people get together and pretend to like each other. They network. In red and green. Lots of joy in that. Have you ever been to a Christmas party? It would curl you hair. Do you have hair? JINGLE Yes. SALLY It would curl it and turn it white. Christmas is one big hope...OOOPS! HYPE! HYPE! I meant to say hype... JINGLE I know all this... SALLY It's not my fault! It's been hype for years. So, why me, huh? There's a question for you! Why me? What makes me so special to get all this attention from some loony elf on some loony mission? JINGLE Because, Sally Census, you are our last hope. You are the scale tipper. Sally, it's completely up to you. If you don't find something to love about Christmas before the end of this show every elf is going to whither away and die. Just disappear like the ozone layer. Poof! SALLY I don't want that responsibility! JINGLE You have no choice. Right now the earth is perfectly divided between people who love and people who...don't. You're the cutting edge, Sally. Do you understand? You have no choice. SALLY This is ludicrous! I'm going along, minding my own business, and very well, thank you, and all of a sudden I have the life of every living elf on my conscience? And being spied upon by a fat, old man with a video camera! JINGLE Sally, isn't there anything at all you love about Christmas? Anything at all? Doesn't matter how small. SALLY Business picks up. JINGLE No. Not money. That's what got us into this mess. Something you love. SALLY I love money. JINGLE Great. SALLY I'm sorry. But, I like to own things. Call me shallow! I could never buy stuff when I was a kid so I... (Jingle suddenly starts jumping around the stage) JINGLE CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! We're onto something! My nose twitched! SALLY Beg pardon? JINGLE My nose! My nose! It twitched! SALLY Do you need a tissue or something? JINGLE No! You don't understand. My nose twitched. We're getting warmer. What was it you said? Just now? SALLY Do you want a tissue? JINGLE NO! NO! Before that...money...no, that can't be right. SALLY I said I was sorry. I said I was shallow. I said I liked to own things. JINGLE No...that's not it. The twitching's stopped. I could use that tissue now. SALLY I said...um...I could never buy things when I was a kid... (Jingle sneezes) Was that a twitch or should I bless you? JINGLE Both. SALLY Bless you... JINGLE Bless you, too. Now...think carefully...when you were a kid you couldn't buy things...why not? SALLY Well, we didn't have much money. My father was nowhere to be found. My mother barely had a cent for the few years I knew her. JINGLE Oh...itchy, itchy, itchy. What was Christmas like? SALLY Stupid. JINGLE Why? SALLY It just was. I never got what I wanted. JINGLE Go with that. SALLY Am I in therapy here? JINGLE Trust me, Sally. SALLY Sal. JINGLE Sorry. SALLY S'ok. Now. Broke. Broke. Broke. So i was constantly told. I remember at Christmas I always hated looking at all the things we could never get. I knew there wasn't a Santa Claus unless he smoked Camel straights and had a Brooklyn accent. JINGLE Like your Uncle Jake? SALLY Like my Uncle Jake. JINGLE Did you ever get what you wanted for Christmas? SALLY Never. JINGLE Never? SALLY I'm telling you...never. (Sally runs hand through her hair and thinks) I'm sorry, Jingle...If I could help I would, but... JINGLE It's ok, Sally. Sal. It's ok. I know you tried. The world will just have to do without elves, I guess. no more Elves. No more children opening up their surprises on Christmas morning. No more Santa. No more Rudolph. Maybe you're right. maybe it is time for a change. I don't know. We did our best. Merry Christmas, Sally. (Jingle hands gift to Sally and heads toward exit) SALLY Jingle? JINGLE Yes? SALLY What's going to happen to you? JINGLE (Thinks) Merry Christmas, Sally. (Jingle exits) SALLY Jingle? Hey, Jingle? (She looks to present and sits with it) Well, I did try, you know. I really did. There just isn't anything worth loving about Christmas. Not to me. So I tipped the scale. So what? I didn't have anything to do with it. Even Jingle said I didn't have a choice. (Scratches her head. Music up for "Scarlet Ribbons". She opens the present and pulls out two red hair ribbons. She starts to cry.) Wait! (Strokes her hair) Wait....magic? (Sally sings "Scarlet Ribbons". She speaks to herself.) I remember something. Jingle? JINGLE (reappears) I know! I know! I heard all about it! SALLY Already? JINGLE I was just offstage. SALLY A memory...is that enough? JINGLE More than enough...it's perfect. (Music up for final medley: "We Need A Little Christmas/Carol Of The Bells/Merry Christmas Polka." At end of Polka cast shouts: 'MERRY CHRISTMAS!". Lights out. A sing-a-long is sometimes employed at this point. It depends solely on the room.) END
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