FIVE WHITE MEN

By Jonathan Harris

(Five white men in business suits. At Center is a large, highly polished round table. Center pool light up. The men approach the table. Each is carrying a briefcase.)

LEADER

Gentlemen...

ALL

Sir.

LEADER

Johnson.

JOHNSON

In the name of the heaven-like father who created all and other things we gather for our weekly confab to cuss, discuss and dismiss any operations not associated with the knowledge of the all and other things.

ALL

HIKE!

LEADER

Williams.

WILLIAMS

No old business. All the matters discussed last week have been taken care of and there is no need for follow-up. The woman is dead. The child is stupid. The man is under control.

LEADER

Good. Good. Good work as usual. Smith.

SMITH

New business is, as new business tends to be, somewhat unnerving.

LEADER

Yes.

SMITH

First on the agenda is the matter of Labia Jones.

(All men cough)

It must be covered.

ALL

Harrumph!

SMITH

It could turn into a problem.

LEADER

I thought all of this was taken care of long ago.

SMITH

So did I, sir.

(Smith glares at Thomas. All men then glare at Thomas.)

LEADER

Thomas.

THOMAS

You know the history.

ALL

(excited to hear it again)

Remind us!

THOMAS

Labia Jones. Sixteen year old, black female. New to her small town and a member of one of thirty-four black family unity in Billings, Ohio. Approached by us in the summer of last year. Contracted to appear to be the victim of racial attack and molestation, or, ideally, gang rape. Agreed to smear herself with dog excrement and have racial slurs carved on her body. Agreed to climb then into a hefty trash bag and be discovered in a garbage dumpster five miles from her home after having been reported missing for four days.

ALL

(excited)

Mmmmmmmm...

LEADER

And.

THOMAS

All major networks and media contacted. Just as anticipated they blew the story out of all proportion and stirred up the racial hornet's nest. Labia Jones, as per agreement, has remained completely silent.

LEADER

And.

SMITH

Until now.

LEADER

Yes?

SMITH

She wants money, sir.

ALL

Kill her!

LEADER

Was she not paid?

SMITH

Yes.

ALL

Kill her!

LEADER

How much?

SMITH

One point five.

LEADER

Kill her.

ALL

HIKE!

SMITH

Suggestions?

JOHNSON

Hasn't she a father?

SMITH

A step-father, yes.

WILLIAMS

With a history of sexual abuse?

SMITH

A rather long one, yes.

LEADER

New business!

SMITH

Sir...

LEADER

Smith?

SMITH

The people.

LEADER

Smith...

SMITH

Want justice...

(All the men explode with laughter. Smith is taken aback at first, then joins them.)

LEADER

New business.

JOHNSON

The plague.

ALL

Ahhhh.....

JOHNSON

Is under our control. We know the cause. Invention proving effective. No one is cognizant of the fact that it doesn't even exist. It is taking it's toll on the subversive and perverted. A good many of the great unwashed tend to believe it to be a judgement from their god. Just as you originally intended, sir.

(Leader nods)

There have been a number of unsanctioned books on the subject but none, as yet, have clued into the truth behind the image. Some fools have gathered together to approach it on some metaphysical, spooky-kooky level, but it is my belief that they're just jerking off.

THOMAS

It's all they have left to day anyway!

(All laugh)

LEADER

Johnson.

JOHNSON

Sir.

LEADER

Do not dismiss the spooky-kooky.

JOHNSON

But, sir...

LEADER

I'm not saying they are onto anything, mind you. But it is our appointed mission to seek out and destroy any possibility of knowledge. I think this group should be taken seriously before we have to take them seriously. Any suggestions?

SMITH

What is the sexual orientation of this group?

JOHNSON

Mixed. Mostly bob-knobbers.

ALL

Distract them!

JOHNSON

Oh...yes!

SMITH

Jocko!

ALL

Jocko!

LEADER

Johnson.

JOHNSON

Yes. Infiltration. Confusion. The rugged face. The bulging arm. The...the huge weapon.

(Their hands suddenly disappear under the table for a moment.)

ALL

Mmmmmmm....jocko....

(They stop simultaneously, look around, and place their hands back on the table.)

JOHNSON

Jocko.

LEADER

Johnson?

JOHNSON

It will be finished by our next meeting, sir.

LEADER

New business.

WILLIAMS

Woman.

ALL

Williams!

WILLIAMS

The woman!

LEADER

Williams, you may speak.

WILLIAMS

I think we might be missing something.

SMITH

(Mocking)

I think we might be missing something.

WILLIAMS

(Stamps his foot)

Oooh! You make me so mad!

LEADER

Williams.

WILLIAMS

Sir.

LEADER

We go through this every week. Just what is it you suspect we are missing?

WILLIAMS

I'm not sure, sir. It's a feeling...

(All men laugh)

WILLIAMS

STOP IT! STOP IT!

LEADER

Williams.

WILLIAMS

Sir.

LEADER

As we have already established. The quickest and surest way to undermine the overwhelming power of woman kind is to grant her more material power. The more she has the further she travels away for her strongest source of power. By her buying into the mainstream, we have arranged it in such a perfectly complex way, that she must abandon all connections to femininity. She has embraced it whole-heartedly, believing deep down that she can dress like a white man, act like a white man, and perform as a white man has throughout history, while thinking she is fooling the white man into believing that her femininity is only on hold. When, in fact, the opposite is true. As we know the perfect balance of masculine and feminine is something that must be nourished and exercised constantly, we have made her think that she has been missing something by not being actively involved in the moving and the shaking of this planet. In so doing, we have managed to disarm her strongest weapon. The more she buys into that concept, the harder she is working for us. As she convinced herself, she is against us. Ours is a subtle power, Williams, and the strongest.

WILLIAMS

Then, sir, do all women think alike?

(The men laugh)

LEADER

No one is thinking at all, Williams. Hasn't our work in the past convinced you of that yet? Johnson.

JOHNSON

NutraSweet.

LEADER

Smith.

SMITH

Advertising.

LEADER

Thomas.

THOMAS

Popular music.

LEADER

Johnson.

JOHNSON

Videotape.

LEADER

Smith.

SMITH

McDonald's.

LEADER

Thomas.

THOMAS

Cigarettes.

LEADER

Johnson.

JOHNSON

Political speech writers.

LEADER

Smith.

SMITH

Acceptable toxicity.

LEADER

Thomas.

THOMAS

Political Correctness.

LEADER

Williams.

WILLIAMS

Huh?

ALL

Attention span! Attention span! Attention span! Attention span!

(The lights fade)

Attention span! Attention span! Attention span! Attention span!

LEADER

(Stands and collects papers)

Until next week, gentlemen.

CURTAIN