WHAT AIN'T

By Jonathan Harris

(Lights up to reveal a cluttered burlesque dressing room. Burlesque music playing offstage. Two chorines: FLORA and DORA, run onstage to change for their next number. Flora is about thirty five, Dora no more than twenty.)

FLORA

Aaaagh! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

DORA

(dryly)

What?

FLORA

This shoe! This show! This shit!

(Flora pulls off her shoe and throws it across the room)

DORA

Quit.

FLORA

What?

DORA

Quit.

FLORA

Quit what?

DORA

All three.

FLORA

(looking at her)

No.

DORA

I thought that's what you'd say. I just knew you'd say that. Bitch, bitch and more bitching. I swear you will never stop! And I have had it up to my pasties! I can't take this constant clacking of yer false teeth anymore!

FLORA

I...

DORA

Oh, don't even think about giving me an un-so-li-ci-ted response. Keep yer clap trapped for one minute, can't ya?

FLORA

Well!

DORA

(Slams her brush onto make-up table)

Damn Yankees!

(pause)

You got gum?

(Flora tosses gum to Dora. Who misses)

Flora...I can't say I'm sorry. I won't None of us are that happy to be in this rat butt of a place, but look, honey, at least yer working.

FLORA

You sound like Jake.

DORA

(imitating Jake)

"At least yer workin', Flora. Name me anudder place that's gonna hire a..."

(Dora looks to Flora)

FLORA

Thank you.

DORA

...sorry...

FLORA

No, really. Thank you for stopping.

DORA

Look, Flora. Jake's a little prick. We all know that.

FLORA

That's all it takes to pop a balloon.

DORA

Something's buggin you. I can tell. I know. What? Come on, give.

FLORA

Nothing. Fix yer strap.

DORA

Thanks. Give.

FLORA

We ain't got any time. I ain't got any problem, and you sure as hell ain't got any advice I need, thank you all the same.

DORA

Well, thank you all the same, I'm sure...zip me.

FLORA

You just wait, honey. You just give it a few years. I've been dancing in the chorus since the best part of you was dripping down yer daddy's leg. Whoever the hell he was. Oh, it's ok at first, sure. All those bright lights picking up yer best features. All those people, those men, looking up at you like you was some kinda bright light yerself. All the dinners, all the after dinner mints. All of it. But, something you ain't quite figured out yet is the road yer on...it's a short one. A helluva lot shorter than you think. It might seem long now. Now while yer looking down it at some horizon or other. But right when you least suspect it..BOOM! You run right smack against a big-assed trailer truck. Head on. No survivors. No warning. That's what this is, baby. A warning. And the only reason I'm warning you now is 'cos I know you ain't even listening.

DORA

So, why don't you just marry him and shut up?

FLORA

(Looking at Dora closely)

Jake's right. You do look cute in that get up.

DORA

Did he say that?

FLORA

Coupla times.

DORA

(looks to mirror)

Hmmm. How 'bout that.

FLORA

Coupla times at least.

DORA

Well, you look...right...in your outfit, too. Ya know?

FLORA

Yeah, I know.

DORA

Ok. So he's got a wandering eye. What man ain't? Hell, my Billy-boy is forever finding someone with a rounder butt, or bigger titties. I don't let it bother me, though.

FLORA

How?

DORA

I'm forever finding someone with stronger arms and a bigger pecker.

FLORA

It must be love.

DORA

Oh, honey, come on. Yer a big girl.

FLORA

Watch it.

DORA

Big girls today know better than to look under every rock for love. It just ain't

anywhere to be found anymore. 'Cept, maybe at the talkies, or on a phonograph record. Damn, girl! It's the twenties. Let's roar!

(Flora shakes her head)

Come on, Flora...just a little?

FLORA

Roar...

DORA

Wow. Sure hope Walter Winchell was listenin'. You can do better than that. I know. Now, come on...

FLORA

Ok, ok....roar...roar...ROAR!

DORA

ROAR!

FLORA

ROAR!

BOTH

ROOOOAAAR!!!

(A loud knock on the door)

DORA

We're comin! Keep yer shirt on, will ya? Geez. Now, let's go out there and sparkle.

FLORA

I gave up sparkling a long tome ago, honey. 'Bout the time they made it legal to want it.

DORA

Ok, then. Go out there and sizzle.

FLORA

Sizzle?

DORA

Do yer goddamn best, that's all. Get through it. Roar. Her let me fix you up a little.

(Dora brushes Flora's hair. Not much improvement.)

FLORA

I'll do my best. But there's no denying it. It's gone.

DORA

Put more pancake on.

FLORA

Pancake covers what's already there. I doesn't create what ain't.

(Loud knock on door)

DORA

SHIRT! ON! KEEP! CREEP! There. You look...

FLORA

Old.

DORA

That's not what I was going to say...

FLORA

Dead?

DORA

Flora!

FLORA

Yeah, well...

DORA

Let's go.

FLORA

(getting up)

You know, it's the lights that make it so bad. It's those damn lights.

DORA

(in a hurry)

I know, honey...

FLORA

No you don't, baby. Ain't know way you can. But you will.

(Music up)

DORA

Our cue!

(Dora exits quickly. Flora begins to hurry, then changes her mind. We hear a chorus number come up with women singing some inane song. Flora, taking her time, hums the tunes as she heads for the door. She exits, slowly closing the door behind her.)